Conditional love

Love is the one thing Christians are sure they got right. Even people who don’t believe in the divine, believe Jesus’ message of unconditional love is above reproach. How, after all, can love be a bad thing?

Before answering this question, it is necessary to know what love is.

Last month I wrote:
Christians like to focus on “love,” the panacea, the cure-all feeling at the heart of Jesus’ message. Love is the reason for the season, love your neighbor, love everybody…even your enemies. Christians believe unconditional love can cause good things to happen, make a better world.

Is love a cause?

Love is an excellent feeling, just as fear and hatred are awful ones. And like all feelings, love is a result, a response, an effect, not a cause.

The list of my family members and friends is a list of competent, capable, moral people whom I love and respect for reasons. I value them because of their fine qualities, not because of blood we might share or common history. [Blood and history are important: often, they place me and others under the same roof; they make the likelihood of a permanent falling out less likely. We’re all more likely to give the benefit of the doubt to family and old friends. We’re willing to listen to them longer and more carefully in our efforts to reconcile differences.] But, neither blood nor history is a free pass into my heart.

Nor do I expect a free pass from any one of them.

When my wife L and I were first married, we immediately fell into a problem that threatened our new marriage. We went to a family therapist for third party mediation. After some exchange, L was crying and I was beginning to feel responsible for it. I told the psychologist that “I love my wife.” He fired back with a question drafted to stump me: “Why do you love your wife?” I did not require any pause to think about it. I said: “I love my wife because she is smart, funny, sexy, a good mother, and a patriot.” The therapist was shocked. This guy says he loves his wife, and he knows why!

My love is the greatest thing I have to give…so, I don’t just give it away to anyone! My love is given in response to people and the values they represent. I have conscious reasons for loving. If I came home from work one afternoon and found L had locked our hungry kids in a closet so that she could sleep with two sailors who were planning a terrorist attack, I’d stop loving her that instant. My reasons for loving her would be gone. All I’d have left is the pain of disappointment. In time I would work to purge that pain from my mind and body. But the love? The love would be gone instantly. I don’t love child abuse, infidelity, or treason. I will not love anyone who represents these values.

If any one of my kids were to grow up to become a rapist or ax murderer, on the day I became aware of the abomination, I would cease loving them. I can not love rape and murder. I can not sanction corruption of this sort in any one. Not even my own child. The pain and disappointment of such a revelation would be most difficult to bear, so much so that I may never be able to purge the awful feeling. But, loving? To love the murderer would be to sacrifice my values and my integrity in exchange for pain relief. This is too high a price for pain relief! I will have lost my soul in the loving.