Real Self-esteem

Unconditional love is most destructive when it is given freely, not to others, but to yourself. Introspection, giving yourself an honest evaluation, is perhaps even more difficult than judging others. If you judge some “other” unfit to associate with, right or wrong, you can walk away and never have to deal with them again. You’ll probably never know whether or not you made a good assessment, and in fact, it doesn’t really matter. But, self-assessments do matter. There is no escaping from yourself.

Making an honest self-assessment can be painful. Avoidance is a very human response to anticipated pain. It’s hard not to flinch, wince, or tense-up right before the nurse puts the needle in your arm, but because humans have a rational faculty, most will choose the discomfort of a Tetanus shot to tetanospasmin, lockjaw, and death. A threat to one’s own psychology is probably harder to grasp than lethal microorganisms. It’s certainly harder to remedy. There are no vaccines to rid our minds of an inflated or false sense of self-esteem.

Defining oneself as a member of some group is a common way to avoid the pain of honest self-assessment. We fail one person at a time all the while insisting “we’re all in this together.” Nobody knows where to begin pointing the finger because a refuge has been created for the failures...that is the place you call “we.” Everybody gets to say “we failed.” It’s much easier than looking in the mirror and saying “I failed.”

Collective failure doesn’t hurt as much. The cause of your failure gets all clouded when viewed through the misty eyes of your collective tears; the truth approaches over the horizon, someone yells “charge!” and in the bloody battle that ensues the truth is forgotten or ignored, ultimately lost in the storm of people looking up into the sky with their arms extended shouting: “It was out of my control!”

Huddled together in their failure, all are at least warm and comforted.

Case in point: In April of my last year teaching at a failed school in Miami, I met with exasperated teacher-leaders. I was asked for my opinion regarding a campaign they were putting together to help boost student, state test scores. Tutoring, extra reading classes, Saturday school, and many other good things were already happening. I was asked to comment on a slogan they were preparing to mass produce on pins and posters. The slogan: “We Believe in You.” I said: “Who cares who we believe in; these kids have to believe in themselves.” I reminded them that we are not the people who have to go in there and pass that test. The students take the test alone. I recommended they change the slogan to “Believe in Yourself.”

Two weeks later their “We Believe in You” campaign began with a rather embarrassing fizzle. The word “Believe” was misspelled on the buttons [an error my word processor spell check currently will not permit me to demonstrate.]

Too many students failed the test again that year. My math teacher friend gave me an article he clipped from the Wall Street Journal on REAL self-esteem. I copied it, signed it “Jerry Maguire,” and put it in every mailbox. It said, basically, believe in yourself...for REASONS.

Introspection is a form of intelligence, like athleticism and music ability. Some people are naturally gifted; the rest of us have to learn it. Self-assessment is a learned behavior that is rarely taught. On any high school campus in the country you will find a dozen coaches training [gifted and not so gifted] athletes. You’ll find at least as many music teachers doing the same in their classrooms. But, “how to give yourself an honest evaluation” is almost never taught.

From birth through high school parents and teachers pump their kids with praise and commendation, whether the kid has earned it or not. They think that self-esteem [like love] is a cause. They give it away [like love] unconditionally. They think they can give somebody self-esteem, and somehow make them better. In elementary school A’s are passed out like Halloween candy. Terribly average students are made to think they are extraordinary students until, that is, in tenth grade they fail the state standards test and are denied a high school diploma. Oh, and everybody gets a trophy! My sons played football one season when they were in the third grade. They lost every game. At the end of the season the ridiculous team moms gave them a pizza party and a trophy! For what? For losing? Losers don’t get trophies!

If I could share four sentences with every parent and teacher in this nation, they would be the following: Real self-esteem is the product of an individual’s achievement. You cannot give anyone self-esteem. It has to be earned. Real self-esteem is an effect, a result, not a cause.